


Lessons in Honesty

by muuchan



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Alvin is stupid, M/M, Trains make Jude go woo woo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 09:46:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2808032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muuchan/pseuds/muuchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years later, Alvin's inability to be honest with himself and the people he loves continues to give him trouble. It's all the more troublesome now that Jude's decided to learn a thing or two from Alvin....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lessons in Honesty

**Author's Note:**

  * For [healing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/healing/gifts).



> My prompt was: 
> 
>  
> 
> _something involving alvin dealing with and eventually overcoming his guilt issues about being with jude after everything that went on between them. post-xillia 2?_
> 
>  
> 
> Jude/Alvin was one of those ships that I really liked _visually_ but couldn't fully get on because of a lot of those things that happened in Xillia 1. Milla being there didn't help either so this was fun to write because it helped me explore that ship and how I thought it might work. (It helped me like it better too!) I'm not too sure it came out great but I hope my recipient likes it! 
> 
> Special thanks to several people (I'll credit you guys later!) for reading through this and helping me through my ideas and fact-checking and the betas brave enough to look this monster over. Also the people I bothered while writing this! Happy Yuletide!

It was Balan’s idea to go drinking. That was how Jude, Balan, the other scientists they worked with, and, finally, Alvin ended up at their usual dig in Duval. Technically, Alvin hadn’t been really invited either  – he’d just been there to deliver a couple of specialty wines Balan had requested he get through _his_ business connections. Through Balan’s insistence (and casually veiled threats about how he _might_ say something embarrassing about him if left unattended), however, Alvin ended up sitting down for what was supposed to be just a drink or two.  

“You drink,” Alvin noted good-naturedly when their drinks came and the glass that was passed on to Jude obviously did not contain juice or anything of the sort.

Jude gave him a disbelieving look before taking a sip out of his glass. “I’m twenty-one, Alvin. I’m not exactly fifteen anymore.”

Across the table, Balan was smirking at him, and Alvin – who was honestly surprised – hastily went for a smooth save. “Ah, that’s right. Twenty one …. this year, right?” He vaguely remembered there being a birthday bash but there had been a birthday bash the year before that, and the one before that—Elize and Leia made sure to try to celebrate birthdays together, and because most of their birthdays didn’t exactly line up, there were at least two birthday parties for the whole group – Gaius included, much to his chagrin – every year. Alvin had, frankly, lost count of everyone’s birthdays at some point in the years past. (Probably because remembering their ages reminded him of how old he was becoming.)

_That makes me 32, god._

At that point, Alvin took a chug at his glass and let out a loud sigh as the drink burned down his throat. “So how is it? Drinking? When’d you take it up anyway?” Alvin asked. He didn’t remember seeing Jude drink…. ever.  At their last gathering, someone had challenged Gaius into a drinking match (probably Rowen), and Alvin had been roped into it, but Jude had staunchly declined and wished them luck as he lifted his glass filled with napple juice instead.

At that point, Jude just shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I just thought I should try something new.”

Alvin hummed as he sat back. ‘New’ like disappointment at work? In your love life?  In life in general? He drowned these questions with a sip from his glass. That was why he started drinking too, except he hadn’t waited to get to the big 21 to do that.

Before those thoughts could fully sink in– and become fact even if Alvin never bothered to ask for confirmation– Jude turned to Alvin and smiled. It was the same bright, painfully innocent and optimistic smile Alvin had gotten used to seeing from and associating with Jude.

“You only live once, right? I wanted to see what drinking’s like,” Jude paused as he took a small sip, still smiling— at least until his face scrunched up a bit as he swallowed. “Besides, I guess I kind of wanted to be a little more mature, too.”

“Ever the eager student, huh?” he muttered. So it wasn’t anything serious, after all, that drove Jude to drink. That was just as he should’ve learned to expect from Jude.

Jude gave him one last smile before being called away by someone from the other end of the table. Someone not Balan. The table descended into some sciency talk Alvin couldn’t and didn’t exactly care enough about to follow. But that was fine because Alvin found himself thoughtfully silent.

Alvin remembered Jude’s smile but the face that framed it suddenly looked different. It was as if he’d never really seen Jude until that night. He’d had this image of baby-faced Jude in his head for so long, that fifteen-year-old kid he’d saved way back at Fenmont more than five years ago. Jude had changed his hair-style and his image – changed professions too, from doctor to scientist – but Alvin’s image of him hadn’t ever really changed.

Until tonight anyway, and not in a way Alvin was sure he liked.

 

* * *

 

Jude, Alvin soon found out, didn’t have a very high tolerance for alcohol, and he was even harder to deal with when drunk. (He also didn’t have a very high tolerance, but that was to be expected considering he’d only just begun drinking. )

Alvin didn’t exactly spend a lot of time around Jude nowadays. His business and Jude’s spyrite research meant their walks of life simply didn’t really converge anymore, except when the combined wills of Leia, Elize, and Elle determined that it _must_. But Alvin could never forget how _difficult_ Jude had been. At fifteen, Jude had had no qualms about lecturing him on what was right, and even when he wasn’t lecturing him, his actions made Alvin deeply ashamed of the life choices he’d made so far. Jude had been bothersome when he wanted to be bothersome, and even when he was just being _Jude._

Nowadays, with Alvin on the straight and narrow, it was a bit easier not to be jealous and deeply-bothered by how Jude was just so much different from him, but the uncomfortable feeling Jude’s squeaky-clean persona brought to Alvin never really left. That was easy to avoid, though, and since Jude never really pestered unless it was really important, Alvin learned to focus on other things. Things other than the fact that Jude was head scientist at fifteen, that Jude’s projects were bound to succeed while his own business ventures– no thanks in part to him being a slimeball at heart – constantly teetered on the edge of failure and  tempted him to take more underhanded approaches in the hope of success.

None of that had prepared him for drunk Jude who was intensely physical. He leaned on Alvin’s shoulder, linked their arms together, and nuzzled his head on the other man’s shoulders like a cat.

“Looks like this cat likes you a lot, Alvin,” Balan commented, grinning behind his glass. Alvin glared at him; with the way Balan was watching them, Alvin almost wondered if this was part of some twisted plan of his. No doubt, he meant too replenish his fast-drying well of embarrassing Alvin stories. “But it looks like this is a cat that needs returning to its home. Would you do us the honor? I’m _sure_ you know where our dear Director Jude lives.”

After he had gently nudged Jude onto the person sitting on his other side, Alvin became a bit annoyed by how eagerly Jude resumed his drunken actions with that person. Alvin crossed his arms across his chest.

“What makes you think I’m gonna do that, huh?” He was a merchant, and while he occasionally prone to took on missions so that he could bankroll a venture or two (or  just for exercise’s sake!), that didn’t mean he was open to being ordered around like this.

“Besides, don’t you know where Jude lives, too? If he doesn’t already live in that research lab of yours.”  

Balan chuckled and gestured to his co-workers still chatting around them. “I can’t very well leave them yet. Besides, I’m paying for their drinks. Yours, too. I’ll have to wait for them all to finish.”

“Ever heard of a tab, Balan?”

“It’s not as fun, I’m sure.” Balan grinned.

Alvin stared at his cousin before sighing. There wasn’t much he could do once Balan had an idea in that calculating head of his. And frankly, for one of Balan’s whims, this was relatively harmless.

“Hey Jude, come on, I’m taking you home now,” Alvin said – mostly for show because he was sure Jude was too drunk to care about anything – and grabbed the younger man by his arm to gently pull him away from his current victim.

“But I’m not done…….” Jude whined, trailing off before explaining what exactly he was doing. Then he latched onto Alvin without further protests.

“Yeah, yeah. Time to go home now. Tomorrow you’ll be having another wonderful new experience,” Alvin slung Jude’s arm above his. “Hangovers. Another wonderful part of the adult life.”

Jude’s apartment was in Trigleph. Alvin had been there before, alright. Balan would know because he was the one Alvin went to for help when Jude and Leia told him they wanted to move to Elympios. Alvin had even helped Jude move what little things he had with him to the new place. He hadn’t had much to do then and he and Yurgen were still at the very beginnings of their partnership so he had decided to help the kid anyway. Another small step to becoming a better adult, though he`d never told Jude that.

 Alvin hadn’t been there in a while, naturally. Why would he? He certainly didn’t have much of a reason to.

“Whoa. This is messier than I thought it’d be,” Alvin said out loud as soon as he’d flipped the light switches on at the entrance.  He may not have been to Jude’s place a lot after helping him move in but he did remember the kind of place it’d been. Small, neat, with several bookshelves lined with research notes and books. It had been sparse but neat and thoroughly mature. He had thought it fit little Mr. Perfect Jude a lot, and had said as much - to Jude’s chagrin - back then.

The apartment that met Alvin that night was anything but the picture of perfection he’d come to associate with Jude. There were pieces of paper and books everywhere, piled high beside the sofa set against one of the back walls; Alvin imagined Jude probably read there and told himself he’d clean up later, only he forgot to do it every time.  Later eventually came which led to that grand ol’ mess in front of Alvin now. There were cobwebs gathering in one or two of the corners he could see.  All in all, the place didn’t look lived in, and Alvin thought he had probably been right when he’d made that comment about Jude pretty much living in his research lab already.

“Maybe I should’ve brought you back to your lab, huh?” Alvin cleared the sofa and gently deposited Jude there. He waited for a sharp response from Jude – one for his jab at the apartment’s sorry state and another for this remark – but the young man gave out a little moan and seemed content to doze off on the sofa.  

“Or maybe you wouldn’t have minded ether way. Benefits of being drunk; you don’t care where you end up until you’re actually sober again. I should know.”

He felt the familiar twinge of self-pity and sighed at himself. No use thinking like that here. He stared at Jude’s dozing form. Jude was wearing his usual work outfit,  a lab coat with casual wear underneath, though the usually clean grey material of Jude’s lab coat had wet yellow patches on it, no doubt from the alcohol and vomit he’d gotten on it at some point during the night.  Alvin knew he had little else to do here and should really be going, but the thought of leaving Jude in dirty - not to mention wet - clothing bothered him a bit. Something about precious and innocent little Jude waking up from his daring little escapade with alcoholic drinks wet and cold didn’t sit right with him. He was just that kind of person, Alvin thought to himself when he realized he was going to do this extra mile thing for Jude. Jude made you go the extra mile; he made you want to be nicer than you usually were, be the better person just because Jude thought you could be one. 

Alvin couldn’t say Jude was the only reason he was on the straight and narrow now, but he sure was one of those reasons.

“I’m not stripping you down but gotta get you into something warm at least, I guess,” Alvin thought out loud (as if doing that would get him Jude’s approval). He wandered to where he remembered Jude’s room was – it was still there and looked a lot less messy than the main living area, although even less lived-in – and grabbed one of the thicker blankets off the bed. He left it beside Jude before carefully manoeuvring the younger man about so he could remove his still-damp lab coat. 

That had an unexpected effect, one Alvin hadn’t quite foreseen. Up close like this, and without Jude’s drunken antics to distract him, Alvin had a good look at exactly how much Jude had changed - amongst other things. The way his cheekbones seemed more prominent, the unusual length and thickness of his eyelashes, even his neck and collar bones – bared thanks to Jude undoing his shirt buttons sometime before, Alvin wasn’t sure when – none of this escaped Alvin’s notice. Jude’s skin was creamy white- damp from sweat and mostly likely alcohol— and Alvin wondered if that was because Jude probably spent most of his time nowadays cooped up inside his research lab chasing that spyrite dream of his.

He swallowed. _Pretty cute._ The words rang in his mind before he could stop himself from thinking them. Feeling like he’d been burned, Alvin tore his eyes away from Jude’s face and hastily finished removing the younger man’s lab coat before tossing it on an armrest.

_This is not what I should be thinking about a kid like Jude, dammit._  Jude was eleven years younger than him!

Cursing to himself, he grabbed the blanket and spread it over Jude’s sleeping form, all the while avoiding dwelling too long on his face, his neck, anything that’d make him think unseemly thoughts.

After that he stormed out of Jude’s apartment, still shaken from those two words he didn’t mean to think seriously about Jude Mathis, of all people. When he remembered he hadn’t switched the lights off in the living room - after he’d boarded the elevator - he didn’t bother to return.

He was running away again but he wouldn’t let himself be ashamed of this kind of running away.

 

* * *

 

The image of Jude – the older, wiser Jude who drank, who rubbed himself silly against him, and tried to drink like an adult at first only to end up an adorable mess several glasses later – refused to leave Alvin’s dreams, not to mention his waking thoughts. It would’ve been easy if it was just that, but sometimes, he dreamed of that younger Jude—the one from the crucial year of his life when so many big things happened and Alvin ended up starting down to this path he was taking now. The path to being an honest-to-goodness adult.  

Fifteen year old Jude was awe-inspiring and twenty-six year old Alvin often had to remind himself then that Jude was, in fact, younger than him. He had a way with words – such that even if he was saying something very naïve, it still felt a lot more mature than anything Alvin could ever say. Alvin resented him a bit then but also…. also…

He admired him. A lot. Maybe a part of him began caring about what Jude thought of him too. He didn’t want to think of it then, but it was easier to admit this fact than… the other things he was thinking of associated with Jude _now_.

“I need to find a girlfriend,” Alvin groaned to himself before remembering that he was in public. He mentally slapped himself over the head. _Way to paint a bullseye on yourself, Alvin._  Thankfully, Leia was nowhere nearby and too busy nowadays to nosily pry into his private life. Most of the time anyway. God knew the kid, along with Elle, made it a point to barge into his private affairs and ‘help’ him.

He really didn’t want to imagine what kind of ‘help’ they’d come up with if they heard him; or worse, if they found out about the thoughts he’d been having of Jude lately. For one, Alvin was sure he didn’t really want a girl in his life right now anyway. And the thing with Jude? Knowing Leia, she would probably either happily and fully support him, or beat him up with her _bo_ stick until he was black and blue for even thinking of Jude that way. He wanted neither. He decided that it wasn’t just Leia or Elle that didn’t need to know about _this_ , either. _No one_ else had to know.

This was, hopefully, a temporary thing anyway. He’d had those, of course. Random fancies that didn’t amount to anything. He liked to think that he just knew how to appreciate beautiful things. Jude was undeniably an attractive young man. Alvin just knew pretty when he saw it. Before he knew it, he’d probably find something else more interesting and then he could forget this ever happened.

When his GHS rang, he didn’t think twice about answering it. In retrospect, he should’ve checked before he did.

“Alvin Svent speaking,” he answered automatically. He’d taken to answering his calls like that lately, just in case it was a client on the other end.  

“Hey, Alvin.”

Alvin stilled at the familiar voice: Jude. He hadn’t bothered checking on Jude after that night and, fortunately for him, he’d been too busy to entertain idle chit-chat with the younger man. _Looks like my luck’s run out._ He held his breath. Was this to be a thank you for bringing him home? If Jude said anything about his ‘nice’ gesture before leaving his place, Alvin didn’t know what he’d do. It wasn’t nice; he’d ogled the unconscious Jude and had very not-so-nice thoughts of him. He didn’t know if he could lie about that if prompted. Even lying by omission about _that_ left a strangely unpleasant taste in his mouth.

“I was wondering… are you free to drink tonight?” Jude continued. Paused . Alvin continued to hold his breath. “Can we be… drinking buddies?”

Alvin’s held breath turned into a coughing fit. “Where’d that come from?”

“Just… I don’t know. It’d be nice? Gaius told me alcohol was best appreciated with… drinking buddies. I’d ask him to be one too—but asking the King of Rieze Maxia out for a casual drink and chit-chat seems a bit - much? Oh, and Elize told me to keep Rowen from drinking for his health’s sake. So that… um… leaves you? ”

Alvin groaned. He didn’t even have the heart to suggest Balan. He didn’t really want to be Balan’s drinking buddy either—that was like giving the man fuel to the fire he intended to burn you with. Jude was a better man than him, no doubt, but Alvin wasn’t cruel enough to sic Balan on him.  

“—If you don’t want to, that’s fine, you know! I know you’re busy, too, and I mean, I just wanted to hang out with someone… I can ask my co-workers too—maybe not Mary though…”

“Yeah.”  Alvin coughed, surprised by his own answer.

“Huh…  Alvin…?”

_Might as well own up. This can’t be that bad. It can be a way to face this ‘problem’ like a man.  Maybe._  “I mean, yeah. Sure. Gotta teach you the art of drinking in moderation, don’t I?—“

“Alvin!” And here Alvin had a mental picture of Jude blushing like a tomato and, honestly, didn’t know whether to laugh because he was sure that was what exactly was happening on the other end of this line, or to be horrified at himself for imagining Jude’s face so easily like that.

“At least, until you’ve built up a little bit more in the tolerance department. And keep you away from the Drellin and Xian Du spirits too.”

There was a brief silence on the other end. _He must be glowering at me._ Alvin knew Jude well, surprisingly.  “Thanks for that night, by the way, Alvin. I didn’t mean to drink so much. I guess you’re right, I’ve still got a lot to learn about social drinking….”

“Hey, don’t make it sound like it’s an actual lesson. I was just joking, you know? Don’t take everything so seriously.”

“Mmm. So, how about eight tonight? Would you be free?”

Alvin took a deep breath and tried to think of any appointments he might have. He half-wished he did. “Nah- I mean. I got nothing. I’m free.”

“Let’s meet up at the usual place then. Unless you have somewhere else in mind?”

Alvin did actually, if only because he’d rather not run into Balan in Duval. At least back in Trigleph, there were a whole lot more bars and less chances of running into Balan. “You could try the one I usually go to when I’m at Trigleph and want to try something new.”

“Okay. So long as you give me the directions.”

“Right. Wouldn’t want you to get lost, after all!”

“Hey…”

“Anyway, look- I uh… gotta go run some errands for now—“Alvin was reaching for some excuse, he knew, but he wasn’t sure he could continue this without ending up embarrassing himself. He was holding up fine so far, but this was one of those moments when he remembered what it felt like to lie to get out of a lie and then lie some more for good measure. He wasn’t lying yet, but he was sure riding on some very false bravado.

“Oh. Um. Sorry for holding you up so long…. Thanks again, Alvin.”

There was a click as Jude disconnected the call and Alvin released the breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding. His heart was beating just a tad bit faster than usual and he took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down. What did he just do?

_Face my fears like a man, that’s what. Stupidly._

He rubbed his forehead and began thinking quickly. “Only one way to give myself a little safety net…” he mumbled as he dialed Yurgen’s number.

He needed backup.

 

* * *

 

“So, you needed my help so… you could have one more person to drink with?” Yurgen was giving him this amused look at that told Alvin this wasn’t exactly the brightest of ideas. “What’s the matter, afraid you’ll spill our business secrets with Jude once you get drunk enough?”

“Hey, Yurgs, I don’t think there’s even a precedent for that. I’m never going to get drunk enough to do that either,” Alvin crossed his arms. “I just… really need someone else to be with. It’s awkward, you know, two guys drinking-“

“Uh huh. We drink together enough.”

A small grin began forming on Yurgen’s lips. _Uh oh._

“Don’t even think it, Yurgen.” Alvin told him sternly, pointing at the Kitarl clan member with a frown.

“I’m not thinking anything. You’re the one thinking too much.”

Alvin decided to concede defeat. “Look, just share a drink or two. Help me out, man, let me owe you a favor…. “

“Funny how you don’t add ‘for once’ after that. You’re owing me quite a bit….” Yurgen said. “Okay, fine. But I can’t stay too long. You know I can’t leave Isla waiting too long.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m not gonna ask you to stay too long either. I just need some support…” Alvin scratched the back of his neck and looked away.

“And I’m not gonna ask why. Just make sure you pay for my drinks, okay?”

“Gotcha.”

Jude arrived around half an hour later, just as Alvin had ordered his second glass for the evening. By then, a part of him was (cheerfully) wondering if Jude was going to call any time soon to cancel.  Alvin wasn’t sure if he was glad or disappointed when Jude arrived at the establishment, panting and looking a little worse for wear.

“Sorry, we ran into some problems at the lab and I thought I could still make it without being too late…. I guess I was wrong—“Jude trailed away just as he’d taken a quick look at the clock hanging by the bar.

“It’s fine, we’ve only been here a little while,” Yurgen spoke for Alvin (who realized a few seconds later that he was staring).

“Huh. Yeah! No worries, we’re not drunk yet. I’ll get you a drink—“  Alvin’s mind momentarily went blank. He swallowed, “Bartender, a ‘Toasty Mirage’ for my friend, please…”

“He meant a ‘Desier Mirage’,” Yurgen corrected him with a chuckle that Alvin didn’t miss.

“Uh, yeah. That.”  

“Looks like my teacher’s getting tipsy fast,” Jude said light-heartedly as he took the seat beside Alvin.

“Oh, teacher? Is Alvin that now?” Yurgen hummed. Alvin just took a gulp from his glass. If he said nothing, he’d come out worse. Or at least that’s what he felt would happen.

“Heh. Yeah.  Jude wants to learn more about the fine art of mature social drinking. So he picked me to be his special teacher.”  He thumbed towards himself for effect.

“Uh huh.” Yurgen said unimpressed.

“I was going to ask Ga- Erston- a friend of ours- or Rowen too, but they’re kind of unavailable for various reasons,” Jude supplied just as the bartender finished making his drink.

“Ouch.” Yurgen gave Alvin a sympathetic look.

“Thanks a lot for making me feel like your last-ditch choice,” Alvin mumbled. He meant it to be playful, but a small part of him might’ve been disappointed by the reminder that he was just, you know, the only other option left short of asking Balan out for a drink again.

“Sorry. So what’s that drink you ordered? The Deisu-“

“’Desier Mirage’. It’s a nice, gentle drink with some bite. I think you might like it. When he first came here-” Alvin gestured to Yurgen. “That was the first drink I had him try.”  

“It’s got a nice taste. “ Yurgen agreed.

“Yeah, and definitely better than the drinks Balan had last time. These drinks-“he twirled his own glass. “you savour. They’re also kinda pricey but that’s helps you keep from overdrinking.”

“Supposedly. Or you could end up with a hefty tab.”

“Hey, hasn’t happened to me yet.”

Yurgen opened his mouth and then shrugged. Alvin thought he might have wanted to say something about him being a Svent. That was always a sore topic, not so much now - but still… the reminder burnt a little. Even if he had gotten used to introducing himself as a Svent lately. “Yeah, for now.”

Jude was chuckling at their exchange. “I see. I’ll give it a try.”  He paused as he took a sip. “It’s…. sweet.”

“But not too much, eh?”

Jude smiled. “Yeah, but there’s a bite at the end… I like it.”

“Good. It reminded me a little bit of you—“Alvin stopped himself. What was he saying?

“Huh?”  Jude blinked at him.

Yurgen made a little coughing sound and when the two of them looked to him he waved his hand to dismiss their concern.

“Why so, Alvin?” Jude continued asking even as Alvin cursed Jude’s insistence on finding out. He hadn’t meant to let that tidbit slip. He had just been thinking about what drink to recommend to Jude and when, on Yurgen’s suggestion, he tested the ‘Desier Mirage’, had had that thought. He hadn’t told Yurgen that was the reason he’d settled on that particular drink, of course.

He scratched the back of his head. “Oh, you know. Innocent but packing a punch…. that kind of thing. Made me think of you….” Alvin’s voice trailed away as he downed his current drink in a single gulp.

“I see,” Jude smiled and took another sip from his glass. “I’m not sure if I should take ‘innocent’ as a compliment but…  I guess it’s, um, nice of you to be thoughtful?”

Yurgen made another suspicious noise – one that Jude didn’t seem to notice, not with his eyes on Alvin and his back turned towards Yurgen – and Alvin just narrowed his eyes at his partner. 

“Alvin’s really thoughtful when he puts his mind into it.” Yurgen said unhelpfully.

“Oh shut it, Yurgs.”

“Just stating the truth.”

Jude laughed a little at their banter again. Just then, someone’s GHS began ringing – Yurgen’s, Alvin realized by the ring tone.

“Oh, excuse me. I have to take this one.” Yurgen stood up as soon as he’d checked the caller ID. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

“Take your time.” Alvin called back just as Yurgen disappeared through the establishment’s double door entrance.

“Is that…” Jude asked once Yurgen was away.

“Yeah. His wife’s calling, for sure. Most of our Elympios business partners call me instead of him. I made sure of that—and we agreed it’s for his protection too.” Yurgen brought great things to their partnership but being able to sniff out Elympion treachery wasn’t one of those.

“Isla….” Jude looked down at the table. Alvin gave him a gentle slap on the back.

“She’s getting better. Don’t worry. A lot’s happened, bit this year, especially, she’s improved a lot,” Alvin ran a hand through his hair. “Guess time really does heal.”

 “I’m glad to hear that. I’ve always meant to ask but … it just seemed rude.”

“Heh. If anyone should be feeling guilty about what happened to Isla, that should be none other than me. Don’t trouble yourself over her.” Alvin said it lightheartedly, but he remembered it had taken a while for him to be able to bring up Isla with Yurgen too. He’d give Yurgen extra money for his ‘special matters’ and never ask what those were exactly, knowing they both knew exactly what or who Yurgen needed that money for. “Anyway, that’s water under the bridge. I’m sure you didn’t want to spend your night drinking and remembering all the not-so-pleasant things from back then.”  He grinned at Jude – and, purposely avoiding his eyes, focusing instead on his mouth, ordered them another round of drinks.

Yurgen returned shortly with an apologetic look on his face. Alvin didn’t even let him get a word out. “If you need to go, go. We’ll be fine here.”

“Thanks, Alvin.” Yurgen smiled gratefully and then turned to Jude. “I’ll see you around. Invite me sometime, too. Maybe I can introduce some Xian Du spirits to you.”

“Okay, I will. It’s good to see you again, Yurgen.”

“Same here.”

“Hey, no Xian Du spirits for Jude yet. Teacher’s orders,” Alvin called out.

Yurgen just laughed. “Maybe later on then, huh?”

“Yeah, later, “Jude chuckled.

With Yurgen gone, it was just the two of them, sharing a plate of deep fried octopi in between drinks. There was idle chatter at first: talk of their work, how Alvin’s business was doing, how Jude’s spyrite research was progressing. Alvin suggested a few more drinks to Jude, all of them with sweet flavouring – Jude noticed – through all of this. And then Jude brought up a heavy topic- one that, Alvin realized, was probably the main reason he had been asked on this excursion.

“Do you think Milla will ever return, Alvin?” Jude asked quietly as he toyed with his half-filled glass. His cheeks had a slight reddish tinge to them and Alvin wondered if he was beginning to get drunk –  maybe this was the alcohol talking. If Jude was a talker too when he was drunk.

Alvin took a deep breath and hunched over his drink. It had been five years since they’d last seen Milla. As soon as Origin had destroyed all the fractured dimensions as he’d promised, Muzét and Milla had flown away to the sky—presumably to their spirit realm – and had never yet been seen again. At least, Alvin hadn’t seen them. He wondered if it was the same for Jude too, or if Muzét had visited to ferry messages from the great Maxwell to her lover.  (Somehow, that hurt a bit to think about.)

“She said she would once you’d finalized your spyrites research. She’s a lady of her word, she probably will.” Alvin said carefully. He held back his thoughts on whether or not he expected Milla would be _staying_ after she returned, knowing full well that Jude must have thought of that too at some point.

“I think so too. But … what if I never succeed in making spyrites work like they should?”

“Then we’ve got bigger problems than Milla not coming back,” Alvin said plainly.

“I guess you’re right…” Jude smiled a little. “Do you miss Milla, Alvin?”

That caught Alvin off guard. “Huh?” Did he miss Milla? He supposed he did, but unlike Jude, he’d kind of always seen Milla in a distant kind of way. Nice to joke about, not gonna amount to anything, kind of thing. He’d probably filed feelings about Milla’s absence in that place in his head where he put his feelings about Presa’s absence. The place called ‘Thinking about it won’t get you anywhere, forget about it.’ “Sure do.  Milla’s always pleasant to be around—for the heart and for the eyes.” Alvin waggled his eyebrows a bit and when he looked at Jude and found him frowning at him, he knew he had achieved the intended effect with the eyebrow thing.

“Alvin. I’m being serious.”

“And I’m being serious too.” Alvin crossed his arms. “Look, sometimes it’s just best not to dwell too much on things that aren’t around. Milla’s gone, I get that, I’m pretty unhappy about that too—who isn’t’?   But thinking about what’s not here won’t get me anywhere… sometimes it’s better to focus on what’s here and now. Like me? I’m here and now, I’d rather focus on my cute student right here than Milla, even if Milla’s got the bazongas.”  Sometimes, Alvin knew the best way to avoid something was to run head first into it and watch it back away.

Jude was turning red again. “Alvin… you really…” he shook his head and sighed. “But I guess that’s one way of looking at it…”

“Not the kind of way you want to be looking at it though, huh?” Alvin leaned on the counter, resting his face on the palm of his hand as he watched Jude.

Jude shook his head again.   “I don’t think I can just … not think of Milla like that. Everything I’m doing—I know I’m doing this for _our_ world… but I’m also doing it for Milla. So Milla can be with us again. So-“ Jude’s voice dipped into a whisper as he looked down. Alvin couldn’t help but forget to avoid looking at Jude’s whole face- how sad and forlorn, how very attractive it looked – and found himself staring, heart clenching a bit from the knowledge of what was about to come. “She can be with me again.”

Alvin took a deep breath and reached for his glass, suddenly thirsty. He found it empty and quickly ordered another. After the bartender poured him a new one, he looked back at Jude and found him in the same position he was in earlier. Looking down, thinking. _Thinking of Milla_. His heart clenched again, much to his irritation.

“Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to look for a diversion for now.”

“A… diversion?” Jude muttered slowly. Alvin wondered if he was thinking ‘What’s Alvin doing talking about diversion catalysts now?’ Jude was probably a bit too smart to think that.

“Yeah, a diversion. Milla’ll understand if you date a bit here and there. Find a pretty girl…. Or boy—“

Jude’s eyes widened and his cheeks were fast turning red again.

 “—to spend some time with. Not just drinking like this, though I wouldn’t mind occupying your time and distracting you a bit. If you know what I mean.”

“Alvin!”

“Fine fine, just joking. Just- find something else to fill your head with when you’re not doing your spyrite work. Spyrites and all that sciency stuff are bound to remind you of Milla.”

“Balan suggested that too. That’s why he told me to try new things… like drinking with friends.” Jude said quietly.

“Oh, sorry it’s not working then.” Alvin said lightheartedly. _Yeah, like I could ever distract him from the great Milla Maxwell. Maybe getting you drunk will do the trick after all._ “And getting yourself drunk silly isn’t the best method, by the way. In case you liked the forgetfulness the drink brings you. Trust me, you just end up piling more problems on top of your current one with that method.”

“You really know a lot about drinking.” Jude actually smiled as he said that one. _Glad to be of amusement_ , Alvin thought wryly.

 “You did pick me as your teacher, didn’t you?” Alvin shifted on his chair so he wasn’t facing Jude anymore. “But yeah. When I wasn’t out on missions, drinking helped…. distract me from the things I used to do.”

And the last thing he wanted to do was to go down self-pity lane again tonight, but somehow the words rolled out of his mouth and he couldn’t take them back again. He remembered – not that he ever could forget – what he really was and why he should really file these awkward feelings with Jude somewhere where they couldn’t grow into something he couldn’t manage. He was still managing now, he liked to think.

“I’m sorry.”

“Heh. It’s nothing. Just the truth,” Alvin took another drink. “But like I said, get a girl, a boy, get a new hobby. I’m not asking you to forget. Just… keep your mind off it.” Alvin grinned. “Personally, it’ll make your work easier too. Before you know it, you’ll be done with this spyrite thing and Milla’ll be back too.”

“I’d be using that other person though. I can’t just … have someone as a temporary distraction and then toss them aside when Milla’s back. I’m not that kind—“

“Why not? As long as you say it’s just that; something temporary upfront, it’ll be fine. It doesn’t even have to be _romantic_ either. An exclusive companionship, a temporary one. A-“ _fuckbuddy, even_. _Wait, Jude’s too pure for that._ Jude, Alvin thought, was probably the type to prefer meaningful relationships and not one-night stands. And anyway, Alvin thought wryly, fuckbuddies, friends with benefits, one-night stands that became multiple one night stands – those had a tendency of making things a lot more complicated than they should be. You fell in love without you noticing anyway and made everything a lot more difficult than if you’d started the relationship properly with that whole heaping of denial- or other things like espionage missions – in the mix. That was how things with Presa had ended up as badly as they did. He really was just walking down the memory lane tonight.

“Alvin!” Jude was raising his voice again. “How can you say that so – Who would even want that—“

Alvin shrugged. “I wouldn’t mind. “ _Shit._ Alvin inwardly cursed but the words came out of his mouth before he could really think about it. Under normal circumstances, that was the right thing to say for him- something serious but at the same time not. It’s not like he was expecting to be taken seriously, but at the same time it was only okay if he was okay with being taken seriously too. And Alvin was _not_ okay if Jude were to take him seriously at all. If Jude ever took him up for the offer, he’d have to backtrack, and Jude might get curious—and that was not a position Alvin wanted to be in at all.

Jude just stared, blinking, while Alvin struggled to keep up a poker face.

Fortunately for him, someone up there seemed to be watching out for him. His GHS rang, and when he looked at the caller ID, he realized who exactly it was must be watching out for him.

“Oops, it’s Elle—“ he waved his GHS device – showing off the screen, caller ID and all – at Jude. “She’s probably done with her after-school project—gotta pick her up at her friends’.” It was a lie because Elle had never really needed him to pick her up her friends’ especially when her friends lived around Trigleph.  “I’ll have to leave early.”

“Oh. Um. – “ Jude put on a understanding smile. “Right. I see.”

“Call me next time if you want to drink again.” Alvin hastily left his seat and began walking away, still thankful for Elle’s timely call.

“Hello, Elle—“he said as he answered his call and made sure to leave the bar before the rest of their conversation could continue.

He knew under normal circumstances he would have told Jude to call him if he really wanted Alvin to be his diversion. But he didn’t.

He hoped Jude didn’t pick up on that.

 

* * *

 

Elle was pouting, Alvin could tell, even with that super deluxe sundae covering half her face.

“You’re up to something,” Elle mumbled finally as she eyed her Uncle Alvin suspiciously.

He laughed, in turn, and looked away. “Huh, what makes you think that? Can’t I spoil my lovely niece once in a while? I’ll even throw in a special bag of catnip for Rollo on our way home tonight.”

“Yup. Definitely up to something- don’t you think so, Rollo?” The pudgy cat who’d taken the spot beside Elle in the diner and was resting its chin on the top of the table meowed in agreement.

Alvin glared briefly at the cat before shrugging. “You can think all you want, but I’m innocent. Promise. What could I possibly be hiding?”

Elle narrowed her eyes, studying Alvin.

Alvin sat still, putting on the best imitation of an innocent face he could.

“You’re not in trouble with someone, are you?”

 “Nope. Business is running smoothly.”

Elle’s little pout deepened.

“Hey, I told you, don’t sweat it. And your sundae’s going to melt if you keep on pouting like that.” 

“Hmph. I got it all covered!” Elle dug a spoon in to take a big chunk out of her small (melting) mountain.

“I can always help, if you want.” Alvin grinned.

“No way! This is your payment for _my_ help tonight.” She paused and then grinned. “Unless you want me to tell Jude right now how you didn’t really need to pick me up….”

“Oh, no, anything but that, Elle.” Alvin made a show of desperation all for Elle’s amusement (and satisfaction, maybe) but he was probably really desperate.

Just as they had promised Ludger, _they_ had taken Elle as their own. At first, Elle stayed with whoever she felt like staying with:  her time ended up being split between Driselle and Elize at Sharilton, Leia (and himself) at Trigleph. Later on, though, it became clear that Elle needed a real family of her own. Not to say that she didn’t have one – they had _them_ – but in the eyes of the government she was essentially a non-person. Technically, she hadn’t even been born in this world yet and the man who should’ve been her father, Ludger, was gone.

Gaius had offered to adopt her, using his Erston persona. The same went with Rowen and Driselle. But in the end, Elle had ended up with Alvin.

To this day, Alvin wasn’t even sure why she’d picked him. He’d offered himself up as a joke and even if the circumstances of his problems as the only Svent main family member left were real, it wasn’t like he was planning to deal with his problems at all. Back then, members from a branch family were pressuring him to marry and secure the Svent line one way or another, even threatening to assimilate the Svent family into theirs if he didn’t do his job as the only main family member – and therefore heir – left. Balan had been desperate – “Dist Ortion will ruin us all if you let him take control of the Svent assets!” – but Alvin had been all but ready to let the Svent name burn.

Anyway, at the end of it all, his problem was solved and it was likely he’ll never have the displeasure of being pressured to marry again. Plus, he had Elle; after years of having her as his daughter, Alvin kind of understood why Ludger was willing to go to the ends of the earth for her. Though he’d never let anyone know that.

He let her keep her surname too – even if on official papers she was Elle Svent – and didn’t even bother making her call him Papa. Uncle Alvin was fine, he liked the ring of that better than Papa Alvin. In fact, being called that would’ve made him immensely uncomfortable.

“Hey, are you listening?” Elle was waving her hand in front of his face.

“Yes, yes—“Alvin automatically answered. “What?”

“I said, did you get yourself a girlfriend… or are you thinking of getting one?” Elle crossed her arms and looked at him seriously. Alvin wasn’t so sure he liked that look.

He took a moment to decide how he would deal with this. “Hey, hey – what makes you ask that? You know you’re the only woman in my life right now!”

“Gross. I’m asking seriously, Uncle Alvin!”

“And I’m answering seriously. What’s it to you, anyway?”

Elle pressed her lips together and looked down at what’s left – _Wow, she went through her sundae pretty fast_ – of her sundae.

“Nothing. Just asking….”  She answered hastily before jumping out of her seat. “I’m done. I have an appointment with Elize tonight so I’m going home soon.  Don’t stay out too late! And I don’t want you passing out drunk on the sofa!”

Alvin chuckled. That was one time! Or two- Seriously, Alvin was more or less the picture of responsibility nowadays. Or close to it. He made a playful salute. “Yes ma’am. Will do!”

“And… you’ll tell me if you have someone you like, won’t you? Just so I know!” Elle, Rollo in her arms now, asked just as she was leaving.

Alvin raised an eyebrow, curious. “So you can tell Leia and sic her on me?” he asked back before really thinking.

Elle stuck her tongue out. “Maybe I’ll do that! But you better tell me, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I guess.” He waved a hand in dismissal. “Go, you don’t want Elize waiting for you too long, do you?”

As Alvin watched her walk away, he wondered just what she’d think about him fancying Jude just a bit.

“Terrible,” he muttered before getting up himself to pay for their order.

 

* * *

 

Alvin figured out the reason for Elle’s strange questions days later when he met a new prospective business partner later:  Lara Mel Marta.

“Your daughter, Elle’s, told me so much about you,” she said as she offered her right hand for him to shake.

Alvin ended up staring for a moment—realizing just how similar Elle looked to her mother, or the woman who should’ve been her mother – before finally remembering to shake her hand.

“Ah- I – you’ve met my daughter…?”

Lara nodded. “Mhmm. Through a request. I asked for … what was it? A Kijiara seashell, I believe? And it was Elle and her friend Elize who delivered it. We’ve struck up a friendship since then. They were the ones who told me about your business as well.”

“Gotta thank my daughter later for that, then,” Alvin said, grinning, even though deep down he was already feeling the weight of what he thought Elle was planning on doing.

Later on, he told himself, he was going to have a long talk with Elle about why he planned to never marry and/or get into a relationship any time soon – or ever. For now, he focused on being all business-like with Lara Mel Marta, hoping to high hell Elle hadn’t done anymore than just tell her about his business.

 

* * *

 

The meeting with Lara Mel Marta had him beat and even though he was proud to say everything with her had gone smoothly and he had a shiny new business connection through her, the feeling of dread wouldn’t leave Alvin. He decided to spend a late night drinking until he could relax again.

Just after finishing his third drink, and with the alcohol finally pleasantly settled into his system, his GHS device rang. He made the mistake of not checking the caller ID first; it was Jude.

“Hello, Alvin….” And when he didn’t answer immediately, Jude continued. “Is this… is this a bad time?”

That’s when Alvin swallowed and sat up. “No. I was just- thinking. It’s not a bad time. Absolutely not. I have worse things to worry about than you calling- I mean-- … forget I said that.”

“Did something happen?”

“No, not at all. What makes you think that?”

“Well… you seem drunk.” Jude said quietly.

“Well, I’m _not_ drunk. Yet.” He’d only had three shots of vodka. That wasn’t bad.

“Now I’m really worried.”

Alvin pressed his lips together. He pictured Jude’s face, serious, eyebrows drawn, and _determined_ to get to the bottom of something. His _something_ tonight, as it turned out. He sighed.

“I just had a long day at work, okay? No biggie. I just need to unwind—“

“Where are you?”

And before Alvin could think, he blurted out the bar he was at. He rubbed his palm against his face when he realized what he’d done.

“I’ll be there, okay?”

“You really don’t have to, Mr. Goody-two-shoes,” he muttered through the phone but whether or not Jude heard that, he wasn’t sure. There was a click on the end of the line before he’d even finished and sure enough, less than half an hour later, Jude was onsite.

“You look bad,” was the first thing he told him.

“Nope, I actually feel better now. I realized I’m making an ant out of a molehill- the other way around,” Alvin said. “I even ordered you a drink. Anything after this is on me. Since you’ve decided to accompany me.”

“How can you feel better when you… look drunk?”

“Hey, I’m not drunk yet. _Yet_.” Alvin corrected him before taking a gulp from his glass. He slammed the glass back on the table after. Jude took the chair beside him.

“So what happened?” Something about Jude’s voice, his face – long lashes and sincere chestnut brown eyes – seemed to compel Alvin to tell the truth. He made a long quivering sigh and leaned back on his chair.

“I met Lara today. She’s our new business associate,” Alvin explained quietly.

“Lara…” Jude said slowly.

“Lara Mel Marta. _That_ Lara Mel Marta.”

It was kind of interesting to watch realization dawn on Jude; the way his eyes widened, his mouth turned into an ‘oh’, and how that “Oh” actually came a second after all those reactions.

“I… _oh._ ”

“Elle met her through one of those job postings Elize and her do over the weekends. And you bet she told her about me and Yurgen’s business.” Alvin felt like downing the remains of his current glass but thought better of it. Especially with Jude around; the last thing he wanted was to end up wasted. There was also Elle to think about - he sure didn’t want to turn up passed out in their sofa the night after meeting her mother. Elle was smart enough to put two and two together. “I just realized Elle might actually want to have a mother, you know? Her real mother. And I can’t give her that, you know?”

“Just because she told her about your business, doesn’t mean she wants the two of you … that way.” Jude blushed and then he was shaking his head. Probably telling himself now wasn’t the time to be embarrassed. “I mean, Elle isn’t like that, Alvin. She’s one of the most thoughtful girls I know- we know – and she wouldn’t put you in a spot like that.”

“I know that too. But I _do_ know she’d want that. She’s already lost Ludger, you know? But she still has this one. Her mother. Her real mother.”  Alvin sighed and tried to force out a smile. That was easy, at least. Faking a smile in an instant was one of the only things from his past he could proudly keep.  “But like I said… making a big thing out of small thing. I know—you called me for something earlier. What’s that one about?”

“Uh-“ Jude looked surprised, probably by Alvin’s decision to quickly change the topic. For a moment, Alvin thought he was going to continue on that subject, but Jude took a deep breath and put on a similar smile. “I was—I was going to tell you that I’ve been thinking. About what you said back then.”

That was the moment Alvin realized that maybe his decision to opt for a different topic might not have been a very good idea. He kept a nonchalant expression, though.

“Back then, huh?”

Jude nodded. “M-hmm. About… distractions.”

Without really thinking, Alvin’s hands grasped his glass a bit tighter. He hoped Jude didn’t notice. “And…?” he drawled, pretending Jude’s next words didn’t scare him like hell.

Jude cleared his throat, and his voice took on a more confident tone when he spoke next. “I’ve decided to take you up on your offer, Alvin. ”

_There it is. The sound of my demise._

When Alvin didn’t speak again, Jude continued. “But I don’t really know anything about going out… so I guess it’s not really like we’re _going out_. We can just do things together—“ he faltered here, blushing. “Not t-those kind of things. I don’t think I’m ready for that… but… maybe more nights out? Together? And…”

“And…?” It was like Alvin only found his voice then. He hoped his poker face was holding up because calm and cool was the last thing he was at the moment.

“With Lara Mel Marta…. If you really don’t want to entertain the possibility of a relationship with her – I’m not saying you _should_ , by the way. Not if you don’t want to… us being together might help? So you never have to turn Elle down if she sets the two of you up, or Lara if she asks.”

Alvin scrambled to find something lighthearted to counter that. “You know Leia will—“ but he didn’t get to finish as Jude – using that all-too familiar determined tone, the type that told you his mind was set on a path – cut him off.

“I’ll speak with Leia and make it clear to her that our relationship is purely out of convenience. That should keep her off both our backs. That would help you… right? But, of course, I’ll ask her to keep that tidbit from Elle and everyone else.”

“That’s uh—“ Alvin scratched the back of his head. “-that’s very thoughtful of you. Did you come up with all of that just now?”

Jude, who didn’t seem to have picked up on Alvin’s inner turmoil, broke into a shy smile. The intensity he had had just moments ago was gone, replaced by his usual boyish charm.  “I had an idea before coming here… when I called you. But the rest came just now. I want to help you, Alvin. And…  I’m helping myself too. It’s killing two birds with one stone.”

“I guess that’s right.”

“So… what do you think?”  Jude looked up at him expectantly and it took all of Alvin’s will not to look away, to blush, or to have his poker face crack even a bit. At that moment, he had a thought: that if he said no, he was kidding, and gave his best at acting carefree about it then he could come out of this unscathed. There’d be the problem of Lara to deal with in the future, possibly, but if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that Elle was a good kid. He’d be disappointing her with no excuse to show for it, but he wouldn’t have to deal with Jude and _being_ with Jude.

And then there was his pride and the fact that his acting could just as easily fail and he didn’t know where that would lead. But he _could_ hold up, possibly, resist and even overcome this little problem of his with Jude. He’d done enough running away already, he _was_ tired of running away – even if accepting this might just be running away from that other problem. This was the bigger problem though, maybe it would count if he didn’t run away from this one?

“Yeah, I think it could be a good idea,” Alvin heard himself say. Saw himself extend a right hand to signify the start of their little business. Watched Jude smile tentatively before shaking his hand back.

Alvin watched himself make a, he realized seconds later, very, very bad life choice again.

 

* * *

 

“Yurgs. I think- I think I just reached my quota for bad choices for the month today.”

“Huh? I’m not following, Alvin – and it’s 1 am, you called me up for this? I thought you’d run our business to the ground suddenly.”

“Aw, come on. Put some faith in me, Yurgs my man.”

“So the business is fine?”

“The business is fine.”

“Then what are you calling about?” There was a twinge of annoyance in Yurgen’s voice, but, bless the guy, other than that he sounded patient. Alvin needed that.

“ _I’m_ not fine.” Alvin lamented over the phone as he quietly looked back behind him to check if the glass sliding doors to the veranda were tightly closed. He didn’t want Elle – or anyone else really – listening in on him.

Yurgen chuckled. “When are you fine?”

Alvin grinned.

“But seriously, what’s wrong? I didn’t think you were the type to call just to chat.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think I was either. But there’s always room for growth, huh?” Alvin leaned his back against the railing and looked up. He took a deep breath. “I’m dating Jude.”

He let that one sink in.

“…..Congratulations. I suppose?” Yurgen said after a long while.

“It’s dating in the loosest sense… but. God, Yurgs. I don’t want to fall for the kid.”

“You typically date if you’ve fallen or want to fall for someone and eventually settle down with them. At least… I was under that impression. Is Elympios dating so different?”

“ I think that joke could’ve worked a lot better five years ago,” Alvin said plainly. “It’s complicated. But it’s a mistake, Yurgs.”

“What’s so bad about Jude anyway? He’s a bit young but he’s accomplished. I’d think that he’s actually quite a catch.”

“He’s eleven years younger than me, Yurgs. And the first time we met, he was this fifteen year old kid—“ He paused and took a deep breath. _Who I betrayed over and over again, not to mention tried to kill at least once._ He felt his throat constricting, remembering the past he’d tried his very best to move forward from. But moving forward didn’t mean forgetting and, in any case, Alvin knew he really shouldn’t forget the time he was a colossal fuck up. The last thing he wanted to do was become a colossal fuck up again and remembering just why and how he had been like that was essential for that. 

“And he’s twenty-one now. After a certain point, age difference is just a number, Alvin. There’s nothing wrong with being with Jude, rest assured.”

Alvin just listened. He wasn’t sure he wanted to tell Yurgen how much worse he was back then. He hadn’t exactly told Yurgen – or anyone outside their group anyway – about that time shortly after Milla’s ‘death’. There were a lot of things he’d done that he wasn’t proud of and that time ranked high on that list. Very high.

“…heh. You’re right,” Alvin said anyway. Lying was second nature to him. He’d promised to himself (and to Yurgen) that he wouldn’t lie to him anymore but there were some truths he just couldn’t let out yet.

“Chin up, Alvin. If anyone opposes your relationship, I’ve got your back.”

Alvin smiled – a real one this time. Even if he knew what Yurgen was saying was based on how little he knew, it still warmed Alvin’s heart a little to hear how supportive he was being. It was times like these that he remembered how much he didn’t deserve friends like Yurgen.

_One day, I can be honest about this too. Just… not now._

“Thanks, Yurgs. I think… I feel a bit better now.”

“Make that a lot, you made me stay up later than I usually do.”

“Heh.”

“Take care of yourself, Alvin. “

“You too, Yurgs.”

Alvin continued staring at his GHS device long after Yurgen had hung up.

 

* * *

 

For all the gloom and doom Alvin had set himself up for, the next day didn’t bring about his abrupt demise.  Not the day after that, either, or the one after that, and after that—before Alvin knew it, a solid month had passed, and, if he felt like he was walking on a tightrope the entire time, he certainly didn’t fall off.

Of course, that could be because he’d only seen Jude two times in those four weeks that followed. “I’m sorry I’m so busy,” Jude had apologized to him that one night they were out drinking. “It’s just, I think we’ve got a big breakthrough coming and I don’t want to… lose our steam. So much for getting a distraction, huh?”

“Nah. It’s fine. That’s also part of being in a relationship. You get to yearn and pine when you don’t see each other.” 

Jude had laughed and, embarrassingly, Alvin found himself noting how that laugh seemed to carry a small tune in itself. He stopped himself before he could moon any more than that over something so silly as Jude’s laugh. _What am I? A hopeless romantic?_

“But after this… after this, I promise, I’ll ease off at work. “

“Or you may not actually need a distraction if you manage to get a really big breakthrough, huh?”

“Even if I did… I’d still want to help you, you know. Besides… it’ll be a new experience.”  Jude looked away but Alvin got a clear look of his ears and how red they became as he continued. “I’ve… never really dated.”

Alvin had a thought, that maybe their priorities were shifting, and that moving on from being just a diversion project to a learning-slash-helping-Alvin might not be a very good thing. But he shrugged the thought off – he didn’t want to think of where that might go and was content to stick with the fact that this was temporary, a diversion, and it was _not_ going to become anything else.

He wasn’t going to let it become something else.

“Well, that makes the two of us. I was never really the dating kind of guy,” he said, the words rolling out of his mouth so smoothly he wondered if he came out skeevy to Jude after saying that. _Well, it’s better that he thinks that. Maybe he’ll think twice about doing this with me, of all people._

Jude turned to him, mouth opening. Alvin, who was proud to say lip-reading was one of the skills he’d ended up picking up while working for Exodus, thought his mouth read _Pre-_

But Jude closed his mouth before he could say anything and mirrored Alvin’s easygoing grin. “Then we’ll learn together, Alvin.”

Nothing happened that night, or the night after. No kissing, no holding hands—there was an empty stool between them at the bar at all times and all that had happened was that they _talked_.

Even so, Alvin felt like he was slowly inching closer to a precipice he wasn’t ready to fall into anytime soon. With every laugh, every well-spoken word to match his flirting (that Alvin didn’t mean at all and did only out of habit), Jude was pushing him towards it.

 

* * *

 

They’d planned to tell Elle as soon as Jude found a time to explain to Leia _why_ they were dating. That was essential because as soon as Elle found out, Leia was sure to find out (thanks to the wonders of GHS devices), and Alvin didn’t want a stick rammed up his ass anytime soon. 

And when he was alone, he thought that Leia wouldn’t think it coming from him – aka, the guy who tried to get them both killed years ago – not that Jude telling Leia made that teensy fact go away; but Alvin wanted to believe Leia hearing it from Jude was better. Had to be better. He certainly didn’t want to have to be the one to tell Leia about it.

Like a lot of things in Alvin’s life, that didn’t go as planned. And all it took was a smile, an honest question, and Alvin’s annoying need to say something smart to ruin things.

“It’s a strange question to ask, but… “

They had been poring over some business documents – Yurgen, Lara and himself – and when Yurgen had stepped out to grab some coffee for them, Lara had paused. Alvin remembered how she looked, gripping a stack of papers in her hands while she looked demurely to the side. She was beautiful - Alvin thought Elle was on her way to becoming a looker like Lara too.

“Are you seeing anyone, Mr. Svent?” she asked, causing Alvin to stop for a moment and glance up from the document he was looking over.

In a brief instant, Alvin found himself scrambling for the reason for Lara’s question. The right answer hinged on the motive behind that question and the one Alvin settled for was that Lara was _interested_. Which wasn’t good.

Just looking at Lara right then, in her impeccable suit with her reading glasses that made her look sophisticated, and her slight smile, reminded Alvin of Presa and how bad that relationship (of sorts) had gone. There was no way a relationship between the two of them could ever work - and even if it did, it would be at the cost of her heart. Alvin was sure to break it.

His lips curved into a smile. “Yeah. Actually,” he said automatically. “A cute scientist back at Helioborg.”   

“O-oh. I thought as much,” Lara had answered hastily. Even though she continued to shuffle her papers around and, eventually, to read and sign some things, Alvin thought he could see her retreating in embarrassment.

_Good_ , he thought with satisfaction, even though he knew that – even if it was technically true, Jude and his agreement was on after all – it had been cruel of him to do that.  _Better for her to know now._

It only took eight words for his plans to break it to Leia and Elle in degrees to came crashing down on him. Elle, arms akimbo and looking sourly at him, welcomed him after work. Leia, with Jude literally towed by his ear, followed shortly after.

“So tell us! When were the two of you planning to tell us, huh?” Leia yelled as she stood beside Elle and mirrored her look of displeasure.

“I uh-“ Jude began but then trailed away and looked up at Alvin pleadingly. His eyes read: _I don’t trust myself to say things that won’t damn you, Alvin_. Or at least that’s what it looked like to Alvin.

He sighed, it wasn’t the way he’d wanted this to go, but now that they were here, there was only about a foot between Leia’s _bo_ and Elle’s twin swords right now. 

Leia and Elle being in the same room axed his whole ‘explain to Leia this is a temporary thing ’, actually, judging from the annoyed look on Leia’s face saying that might make the situation even worse.

_Why did I ever think letting Jude tell Leia that would be good? We’ll just have to man up, from the look of it._

“Ah…” Alvin looked away. “Well, we’re just… sort of. In the trial period,” he paused here, realizing that was probably the right angle to take it from. “Jude and I were still wondering if we’re really gonna go through with this dating thing so we didn’t want to tell anyone just yet. You know, so you don’t get your hopes up about having to call Jude ‘Mama’ anytime soon.”

“Alvin!” Jude croaked.

“Yeah, but this time—I mean, _by now_ —“ Alvin took a deep breath and put on a very serious face. He reached behind Jude’s back and pulled Jude close to him. “I’ve- we’ve decided we’re probably gonna stick together for a while. Right Jude?” he looked down and realized this was the closest they’d been in a long while, even after they’d agreed on this arrangement.

He tried not to take a deep breath again because the proximity to Jude made Alvin’s heart beat just a bit faster for reasons unknown and he knew that would give him away. Keep him from looking calm and collected. It’d probably lend credence to him being smitten, but that was something he didn’t want to admit to himself either.  

 Jude seemed to be surprised by his gesture – that was the first time they’d gotten physical after all – but he took it in stride moments later. He wrapped his arm around Alvin too, much to Alvin’s chagrin.

“R-right. We were going to tell you- Leia, Elle… but … “ Right, Alvin thought, Jude probably didn’t have an idea of why this impromptu meeting was even happening.

“I just had to tell Lara the truth. You know about me and being honest these days, Leia. I just had to…”

Jude coughed a little. _Sorry Jude, that’s how it went._

Just then, Leia’s angry face seemed to mellow into a serious look. Alvin, who’d been filled with reckless playfulness just then – there was something fun about coming up with something plausible to save your ass – felt his stomach drop as he remembered, and realized, what Leia could say next.

_‘But, Jude… why him? Remember what he did? You do know what kind of person he is, right? I’m fine with the two of you being friends but…. Having someone as a loved one is different.’_

Alvin took a deep breath and clenched his free hand inside his pocket- away from Elle and Leia’s eyes. Sure, Leia might not be the type to say that – out loud, in public, with Elle around to see just how terrible he was really – but Alvin knew just how _ugly_ people could get when it mattered. And it _was_ ugly, the truth about him. It always was. It always would be.

He braced himself for it.

“Well, if you were just … not sure yet.” Leia said finally before sighing and breaking into a bright smile—catching Alvin completely off guard. “But still! It wouldn’t have hurt to tell us! We could’ve congratulated you! Or thrown a surprise party—actually, maybe a surprise party isn’t too late?”

“We could still totally throw a party!” Elle nodded.

“Whoa, whoa. What party? We’re not getting married, we’re just dating—not so fast, ladies,” Alvin said easily—lying came naturally, after all – even if the words tasted just a bit bitter in his mouth. Did Leia not think of it at all? He wanted to look at Leia directly, to search for the answers in her face, but at the same time, he didn’t want to give himself away. He settled for playing along. “Unless you really wanted us to get married so soon…”

Jude elbowed him. “Nobody’s getting married so soon. Leia, Elle! …It’s just… we’re just—“ he blushed. “Trying things out. For- you know, we’re just a bit more certain we might work out now. I think. Please, no parties.”

“If you say so,” Leia sighed. “For now, anyway. You-“ she pointed at Alvin. “You better take care of Jude, okay! No seeing other guys or girls on the side! I’m watching you!” And she finished her warning with the two-finger pointing gesture from her eyes to his.

Alvin made a show of gulping. Deep down, though, he wondered if there was a deeper meaning to that.

“And you!” Elle piped up, “you better watch out for Alvin! He’s kind of a loser, so you’ll have to be understanding!”   “Hey, where’d that come from?” Alvin frowned.

“I think she’s got it right actually.” Leia said with a smile. “You two… good luck, okay? We’ll be rooting for you.”

She walked up to them and placed both her arms on their shoulders. “Okay?”

“Right.” Jude replied just as Alvin did too. They looked at each other and though Alvin was still feeling a heavy case of whiplash from expecting something from Leia and getting something else entirely, he found it easy to mirror the smile he found on Jude’s face.

 

* * *

 

“That went well….” Jude told Alvin some time later. They were at the bar again, chatting over drinks again. It was like nothing had changed, except Alvin was pretty sure something – he couldn’t point out what exactly – had.  “Probably a lot better than if we’d done what we originally planned to do. I don’t know why I didn’t think Leia would kill us if she found out we’re just… you know… doing this as a temporary thing.”

“She’ll still kill us if she finds out,” Alvin corrected him.

“Yeah. But at the same time, she just wants the best for us. Do you think… this is a good idea after all?”

Alvin was thinking that maybe, just maybe, it really wasn’t anymore.

“Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. But it’s not like we can go back there right now and tell them ‘Hey, we were just kidding! We’re not really going out! Sorry!’”

Jude chuckled a little. “They’d be even madder.”

“I’d like to keep my manly bits intact so let’s not do that.”

They were quiet after that. An uneasy silence seemed to come between them, one that was punctuated by their deep breathes and the sound of ice cubes clinking against each other in their glasses.

“So we’re dating…” Jude said finally. “I mean, for real by now. Or we have to try…. I guess. I mean it works, since that’s what we really meant to do but…  “He sighed and said softly. “It’s like its real now.”

_You’re only thinking it now? Are you regretting it already?_

Alvin thought about saying that but instead kept his mouth shut, choosing to drink some more instead. _It’s definitely real now. As close it as can be, anyway._

“Have you ever kissed—I mean, not anyone. But—“ Jude asked quietly. “A guy. Before.”

Alvin turned and stared at Jude at that question. The younger man was looking down at his lap and fidgeting with his hands.

“I mean, if we’re dating, I guess… we’d do that. Eventually- not tonight, I mean. If we get that far…”

Alvin felt his throat go dry. “Did you want to try?”  

He watched as Jude went stiff and turned to him slowly, cheeks red. “I- ah… I mean… not—“

Alvin’s recollection of what happened after that was fuzzy. Something about Jude being cute and how he wanted to be mean for a bit. How he wanted to tease Jude, maybe. It was like he conveniently forgot key parts of his life in that instant and only thought of that moment.

Jude, sitting a stool away, face flushed red as he looked away with his mouth opening to form the syllable _Ne._ Probably to say _‘Nevermind… forget I said anything.’_

Alvin didn’t let him. He leaned forward, easily overcoming that small distance he’d never once crossed before between them, and took Jude by the collar of his coat and pulled him closer. Pulled their faces together until their lips were warm against each other.

A kiss.

He heard Jude moan, especially when he nudged those lips apart and deepened the kiss. He felt Jude’s arm around his shoulders and the space between them gradually shrinking even more, or as much as it could. Nothing else mattered, at least until Jude had to break away for breath and Alvin realized exactly just what he was doing.

“I… ah…-“ Jude was breathing heavily and looking at him with surprise (and maybe longing, a part of Alvin hoped) written on his face. “That was…. “he swallowed and looked away. He continued in a much quieter voice, “good.”

It took a few moments – enough for Alvin to take in Jude’s dishevelled form and appreciate it – before he fully snapped out of it.

“Glad you liked it,” Alvin said as soon as he could and felt just a bit dumb after. _Lame. Just lame._

“I guess that’s one… one more lesson,” Jude smiled weakly.

“I guess you could say that.” Alvin went back to his stool and soon there was that one stool distance between them again.

“You’re really skilled though- but I… was thinking – that’s kind of what I expected.”

_Did you kiss Milla?_ Alvin itched to ask but couldn’t found a way to get that one out without sounding jealous. Or too curious.

“It’s my first time kissing a guy,” Alvin settled for idle chat instead.

“Oh, it’s—the same for me too. I wondered if it’d be any different… did it feel… different for you?”

Alvin didn’t bother to compare with past kisses, lest he remember anything he’d rather not remember. He’d had enough dark thoughts for the night. “Don’t know. I just knew it felt good. Why? Did you want to be compared with others anyway? A kiss is a kiss. And you were nice, Jude.”

That got Jude redder.

“Alvin…”  Jude said softly before settling for a smile Alvin thought looked understanding.

The rest of the evening – they didn’t stay too long after that – was quiet and spent with no more stolen kisses. From Alvin, anyway. Just when Jude was about to leave, and he walked pass Alvin, he leaned forward and pressed a tiny peck on Alvin’s cheek.

“Good night,” Jude said quietly before continuing out of the bar.

Jude had stolen a kiss from him – a chaste one – but Alvin found his heart beating a lot faster than when he’d kissed Jude.

 

* * *

 

“I kissed him,” Alvin confessed over the GHS that night. “I think I’ve reached my quota for bad decisions in a year with that one.”

“A year now? And are you _still_ hung up on this?” Yurgen sounded skeptical. Alvin thought he had every right to be.

“I don’t think I wanted to kiss him _tonight_.”

“Funny. You just did, Alvin.”

Alvin hid his face in one hand as he leaned over the railings. “Tell me I’m doing this wrong, Yurgen. Tell me to stop. ”

“Alvin.”

“I don’t think I should be doing this.”

Yurgen sighed, loudly. “I didn’t think I was cut out for our business too, you know. But you told me to keep at it and here I am. So, no. I’m not telling you to stop.”

“ Vengeance?” Alvin muttered.

“I wish. It’s a relationship, Alvin. You sound like you’ve never dated. Even _I_ know that’s what happens in one.”

“That’s it, Yurgen. I’ve never been in one. And I don’t think I even want to be in one,” Alvin chuckled self-deprecatingly.  His ‘relationship’ with Presa was something else entirely.  “If you knew….”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind. I’m just whining. Sorry for putting you up for this, Yurgs.”

“Alvin…  if you ever need to talk about it. I’m all ears.”

“Thanks. Sometimes, I really wonder how I ended up with a great partner like you.”

“I wonder too. Good night, Alvin.”

“Good night, Yurgs.”

Alvin hung up, thinking, if only Yurgen knew how much he meant that.

 

* * *

 

There was this big problem with lying, one that Alvin knew too well but had never really learned a fix to. The better the liar you are – and Alvin was, quite honestly, a _very_ good one - the harder it was to avoid falling for your lie. That was how things got started with Presa- a little flirting here and there, the pretense of being lovers, and before he knew it he’d fallen all because his little lies had gotten to him. Bad.

The thing with Jude now? It wasn’t a lie, per se, not a bad one anyway. But it wasn’t real. Not really- any time soon, whenever Jude got his spyrite ball rolling down to the finish line, or got tired of their little game, or something else that might be Alvin’s fault… this was supposed to end cleanly.

Alvin knew there was no way it could end cleanly. Not with the way it had begun ; the deal with Presa had gone so wrong and he hadn’t even had much of an impression of Presa before it all began, just a pretty face and a lovely rack to go with it, but Jude was different. He had always been different, with the way he carried himself with so much dignity and goodness. Alvin had always noticed him, from the very first moment he welcomed that lone mercenary in his (and Milla’s) lives. Even the time Jude was beating his face into pulp, he couldn’t hate him – because Jude was always right and Alvin could never compare. He’d admired him. And Alvin had walked into this situation knowing this, that Jude was different, that Jude had grown up _fine_ , and getting close _like that_ was a bad idea.

And each time they kissed playfully – because Alvin was a glutton for punishment, or because his pride wouldn’t let him shy away and let Jude in on his little secret about him, _or both_ –Alvin felt his lie getting the better of him.

Like a moth to the flame, though, Alvin couldn’t stop. Even though he knew he was digging himself deeper into this mess, every time Jude called, he was there, piling on his little lies, sharing his little kisses. That was why Alvin picked up Balan’s request to deliver meat to the Helioborg labs again, because he knew Jude would be there, and it’d been a week since they last saw each other.

 “Fifty kilogram meat delivery?” It was Jude who met him at the doors to the spyrite laboratory and he looked very amused at the sight of Alvin carrying a little trolley filled with Rieze Maxian fresh meats. Alvin had a sinking suspicion that was Balan’s doing. Or, who was he kidding? This was all Balan’s idea.

“I don’t have any live help this time, just my trusty little trolley.” Alvin gave his ‘partner’ a little pat and Jude laughed a little.

“It’s definitely better than nothing. It took four of us to carry that thing last time… I don’t know why Balan thought it was a good idea to order some again.”

“I don’t think good ideas had anything to do with why Balan ordered these again…”

Jude didn’t say anything to that but maybe it was because he was calling Balan out to the door to pick up his order.

“Oh, you’re here—and my order too. How timely!” Balan clapped his hands together.

“Hope you invested in a big fridge for this one because I’m not really feeling like stuffing myself silly with barbeque tonight,” Alvin said as he handed the order, trolley and all, to Balan.

“But of course. We actually have one set up in one of the back rooms now. Getting meat in bulk is always so much more economical than buying them by the pound, but of course, I can’t count on having friends to eat all the meat with me all the time.”

“I think buying the bulk and eating it in one go kind of defeats the purpose of buying in bulk, Balan,” Jude said with a smile.

“Aha, right. Well, Mary and I will be stuffing these in our fridge, do you think you could wait a while for my approval seal? This meat should really be put away without delay.”

“Uh huh,” Alvin gave Balan an _I know what you’re up to_ look which the older man shrugged off easily with a smug grin before dragging a confused assistant off to one of the back rooms. It was just Jude and Alvin in the lab after that.

“Well. You’re not helping them stuff the meat into Balan’s new fridge?” Alvin asked Jude after a short while, grinning.

“I think they should be fine. Unless… you wanted me to help them?” Jude looked up at him, turning those wide eyes in full force on Alvin.

Alvin caught himself before he could stare. “Nah. Waiting here with you is fine.”

“Thought so.” Jude grinned. After that… nothing happened except for the two of them standing around a bit awkwardly.

Alvin eventually leaned onto one of the nearby shelves, keeping a healthy distance from Jude.  “So, how’s the research going?” he said, breaking the silence between them.

“Oh… “ Jude looked dazed for a moment before smiling and doing a little shrug with his shoulders. “The last prototype didn’t exactly work—it’s a difficult to predict how our devices might work without actively testing it on spirits… but it’s better than hurting them in the process.”

 “So. Not bad at all?” Alvin summarized.

“Yeah. Not bad at all. But back to the drawing board for us again. We’re getting closer though, I just know it….”  Jude paused and shifted his weight a bit. “Did you- I mean. It’s been a week, huh?”

Alvin pretended like he didn’t know. “Huh? A week? Oh, you mean since we last met up.”

Jude nodded. “Mm.”

“Yeah, I guess. I haven’t been counting, really.”

Jude made a suspicious little sound that had Alvin wondering if he was onto something, but then he was smiling.

“They’re taking a long while, huh?” Jude said.

“Fifty kilograms, Jude,” Alvin reminded Jude.

“I guess that could take a lot longer…”

“A lot longer…” Alvin echoed before stepping away from the shelf and reaching into his coat. “Probably for the best so you have enough time to appreciate what I brought you.”

Jude blinked at him and then grinned. “Not more meat, I hope?”

“Hah. If you wanted meat, Balan’s your man,” Alvin produced two pieces of paper from his coat and waved them in front of Jude. “This is my delivery for you.”

“Is that…”

“Tickets to the new Vesper-XFY001 maiden voyage next month. Courtesy of yours truly,” Alvin made a little bow for effect.  The Vesper series was the newest line of trains from Spirius Corporation, and next month, it was going to start running on the Trigleph-Fennmont circuit. 

Alvin expected a full-out gasp and fanboy-gushing from Jude after that. He didn’t expect Jude to jump up and kiss him.

“Whoa,” Alvin breathed as soon as Jude stepped back again. Thankfully—or maybe not thankfully – there was no tongue involved.

“Sorry, I got carried away,” Jude smiled sheepishly and Alvin could still see red dusting his cheeks. “I can’t believe you got these though. I’d been meaning to get them but I could never find the time, nevermind the fact that I would have had to line up for just the chance to get them in a raffle…. You… didn’t line up, did you?”

“Who me? Hell no.”

“Really?” Jude looked skeptical.

“Really.” Alvin had gotten them through his business connections. Though, before that, maybe he had considered doing just that. He wondered if he should tell Jude who exactly he got them from. But a part of him didn’t want to dampen whatever atmosphere they had right now.

_And just what are you expecting to happen now?_

Alvin reminded himself that he really shouldn’t let himself get away. He hastily added. “Lara got them for me when she found out I was looking for them.”

_There. That’s a good boy, Alvin._

“Oh.” Jude had this look on his face that Alvin couldn’t quite get a read on and then he was smiling. “How’s things with her, anyway? She’s not…”

“She got them for me and my boyfriend. Notice the two tickets?” Alvin coughed then. “Not that I’m telling you to use them on me. You’re free to invite anyone else.”

“And who would I go with?” Jude asked.

Alvin shrugged. “Whoever you want. Gaius might want to experience the fruits of his gallivanting around Elympios, for example.”

“He probably has tickets for all of us, if we so needed it.”  Jude pointed out, grinning. 

“Yeah, he probably does.”

“What if I invite my _boyfriend_ , would that be okay?” Jude asked innocently.

“He’d have to be free for those days, naturally.” Alvin pretended to think of this boyfriend being some other person. “You can’t really invite someone who’s busy.”

“Well, are _you_ busy?”

Alvin looked down at Jude- though there really wasn’t much looking down anymore. Jude had gone on to have a growth spurt sometime during his sixteenth or seventeenth year and whatever height difference there had been between them was now only an inch or two. Or three. Alvin was proud to say he was still taller than Jude, thankfully.

“No, not really. Unless I _want_ to be busy.”

“Then don’t be! Let’s ride the train together, Alvin.”  Jude leaned closer. “Please?”

Alvin stared at Jude, expectant eyes and all. But this close to Jude, he had better ideas. Ideas that he was sure weren’t good ideas at all but he was feeling a bit too lightheaded to think of the pros and cons of what he was about to do.

“I’ve got a better idea.”  

“H-huh?”

He grabbed Jude by his arm then and led him to a shadowy corner behind one of the shelves in the lab. There, he had Jude cornered.

“You know how I used to study in a boarding school back here- before I ended up in Rieze Maxia?” Alvin didn’t like talking about his past but this little story had to start somewhere.

“Mm. I remember.” Jude said carefully, probably figuring out the danger of Alvin bring up his past.

“The older kids, I remember, they used to talk about making out in the library behind one of the bigger shelves at the back. I never thought much about it- but I never got to do it.”

“Some students did that back at Talim… “

“Did you do it then?”

Jude chuckled and shook his head. “I never had the chance. I was always so busy. And then I got kicked out…”

“Do you want to try?”

Jude took a deep, deep breath, and already, Alvin could feel the air around them grow hotter.

“Do you think they’ll take a while to load up that meat?”

“They better.”

“Yes.”

Alvin descended on Jude then, kissing the younger man deeply to start even as Alvin reached to wrap his arms around his shoulders.

“Mmm. Alvin,” Jude moaned sometime during it- breaking away just a bit to twist a little and remove his coat. Alvin followed suit– just because it was hot, he told himself— before continuing to kiss Jude again. Somehow, knowing that Balan and Mary could come in any time—and keeping one ear out for that tell-tale swish of the facility’s sliding doors – made it all the more intense.

Alvin didn’t know how long they stayed like that – only remembered the heat of Jude’s lips and, later on, his skin as Alvin’s rough hands found their way into his shirt and on the warm and sweaty skin underneath.

They could have stayed for much longer like that too, if not for the distinct feeling of Jude’s hardness rhythmically rubbing up against his and it _feeling_ good. Very good.

Some saner part of Alvin’s mind woke up then and jolted the pleasure out of him, filling him instantly with _shame_ and suddenly he felt burned.

He froze up and broke away from Jude.

“Ah – huh?” Jude, lips swollen and eyes half-lidded, looked up at him confusedly.

Fortunately for Alvin, Balan and Mary had impeccable timing. The doors slid open and Balan was calling out to Alvin.

Alvin took that as his excuse for breaking away abruptly. “Balan-“he explained in a whisper. “He’s back.”

Jude blinked then and suddenly his eyes were wide open. “Oh!” he covered his mouth and continued in a whisper. “We need to- I mean I need to-“he said as he struggled to button up his shirt and zip up his pants. Alvin wondered, very briefly, when he’d done that.

He put on one of his winsome grins. “I’ll distract him,” he said as he picked up his coat and straightened his shirt a bit. Unlike Jude, he was mostly presentable.

“Thanks, Alvin.”

“Right.”  Alvin began stepping away when Jude stopped him.

“You’ll still come with me… right? The Vesper…”

A part of Alvin told him that wasn’t a good idea, not after what had just happened. Despite common sense though, Alvin grinned.

“Yeah. I will.”

 

* * *

 

“I can’t do this, Yurgen.” Alvin confessed as soon as he got through to Yurgen’s line.

“Let me guess.  You’ve filled the quota for bad life choices in your lifetime today.” Yurgen said with a sigh.

“Probably.” Alvin didn’t have the energy to counter that with even a bit of humor.

“So what happened, Alvin?”

 Alvin stretched out on the bench and looked up as he took a deep breath. He wasn’t in his apartment tonight. He didn’t want even the slightest chance of Elle listening in on this.

“I made out with Jude today. Got his coat off, his shirt—almost. And I was… ru—“

“Whoa. When I asked for what happened, I don’t think I needed to hear the whole thing.”

Alvin found it himself to crack a smile at that. “Right. What I meant to say was- I was close—“

“Remember, only the parts I need to hear.” Yurgen interrupted.

“-close to doing something I was… I’m gonna regret. “

“That’s new. I wouldn’t have pegged you to be the type to get spooked about that kind of thing.”

“I don’t think I ever was but… I just. I can’t do it. Not with Jude.”

“I’d like to think you’d have realized that before now. It’s been several months, Alvin. If Jude wasn’t doing it for you—“

“I like Jude, Yurgen. I like him a lot.” Alvin paused and took a deep breath. That was the first time he’d said it out loud- to himself- to anyone. It felt nice to say something honestly, but at the same time, he felt the weight of it all.

His voice shook a little. “But I can’t be good for him, Yurgen. I’m no good for anyone.”

“The thing with Jude, is it because of the age difference?” Yurgen didn’t add _again_ to his question. Alvin was thankful for that, at least that way Yurgen didn’t sound like he was judging Alvin even if he knew he really should be.

“It’s not just that. It’s everything, Yurgen. He’s different from me. I’m just-  I’m me. You know me.”

“Kind of sketchy with the tendency to lie, a wealth of trust issues…?”

“Thanks for letting me know,” Alvin smiled in spite of himself.

“That’s not really you, you know? Years ago, that’s what I thought of you. It’s different now.”

Somehow, Yurgen’s words didn’t feel at all comforting.

“You should see that too. I’m sure everyone can see that by now.”

“You don’t- “ Alvin took a deep breath.  And for a moment, he hesitated to say what he was about to tell Yurgen. He didn’t want Yurgen seeing him differently again, of what they had now to change, and for him to doubt him again. “I tried to kill him, Yurgen.”

Alvin tried to listen for Yurgen’s reaction but if there was one, it was drowned out by the ever-present sounds of Trigleph at night.  He continued.

“You know how I was with Exodus, right? Before that- I was just… using them. Spying on them. Betraying them left and right. They stuck by me though- Jude… didn’t trust me for a while after he found out I was a lying traitor. And then, even after they let me back on their team, I betrayed them again… by trying to kill them to get back to Elympios—“ Alvin opened his eyes and glared up at the sky. “I hunted Jude down first because I knew he was the easiest to take down—and he was in a bad spot after Milla…  he was just _there_ and I… had the gun to his head—“

“Alvin.” Yurgen gently cut him off. “Stop.”

“Isn’t it bad? Taking advantage of someone romantically after that. That’s just the kind of person I am. I guess I never –“

“ _Alvin_.” Yurgen’s firm tone shut him up then and there. “Don’t say any more. I get it. I get that you’ve done something—  a lot of terrible things in the past, and you want everyone you know to hate you for it. But just so you know, all this tells me is that you have some seriously deep guilt issues. How many years ago was this? Back when you met Jude? And how long have you known him? Time changes a lot of things, Alvin.”

“It’s not as easy as that! Time doesn’t change everything! Time doesn’t change the fact that I tried to kill Jude—or Isla poisoning my mother all that—“

Alvin caught himself, horrified at what he was saying. “Yurgen- I- “ It was true, he could never really get over what Isla had done to his mother, but he’d learned to live with it and the fact that _she_ was what made Yurgen happy.

Yurgen was quiet on the other end, but he hadn’t hung up yet and that gave Alvin some hope that he hadn’t completely offended Yurgen. _Funny, that was what I wanted to happen earlier._

“Talk to Jude, Alvin. Just _talk_. You’ll find that talking solves a lot of problems.”

“I’m sorry,” Alvin whispered belatedly.

He heard Yurgen take a very sharp breath. “I know.  Look, I have to go.”

Alvin nodded just as Yurgen hung up.

He buried his head in his arms and stayed there that way.

 

* * *

 

“I’m sorry I’m so late, there was something we had to do but since you said it was important I knew I had to get here…”

It was almost closing time and the only ones left in the bar were Jude and Alvin, the bartender, and a drunk slumped on the other end of the bar table. Jude sat next to Alvin. After months of being drinking buddies, the one-stool distance between them had all but disappeared.

“Alvin?”

Alvin exhaled slowly and put down the glass he’d been nursing while he waited for Jude to come. His fifth for the night.

“Let’s end this, Jude,” he said quietly. His voice didn’t waver even a bit. He’d had hours to prepare himself.

“W-what?” Jude sounded confused but Alvin didn’t bother looking at his face to see his expression.  

“I said, let’s end this. Our temporary arrangement. It’s just temporary, right? So it’s not like…. Not like we were expecting anything.”  Alvin gripped his glass tighter. “ _I_ wasn’t expecting anything. So I sure hope you weren’t. Huh, Jude?”

He let his mouth twist into a menacing smile and finally turned to Jude. Just as he had expected, Jude had this serious look on his face – an expression that was probably a hair’s breadth away from _angry._ Alvin had expected that. He welcomed that look. That was how Jude should look at him.

Jude didn’t do what he expected him to do, though. “Is that it? That’s the end?”

“Yeah, that’s it. No more lessons from the wise ol’ Teacher Alvin for you, Jude.”

Jude’s jaw hardened. “I was thinking you were acting strange back then—“back _at the lab,_ Alvin’s mind supplied. “—so you’re running away now.”

“I’m not running away from anything!”  Alvin raised his voice and slammed his glass down on the table. At the edge of his vision, he saw the bartender take notice.

“You probably don’t even realize what you’re running from, do you, Alvin?” Jude said evenly, each word dripping with what Alvin thought must be pity.  It made him angry. _Because you know what he’s talking about._

“I don’t need to realize anything. Nothing at all. Just that this has gone on long enough and I really don’t want to be playing little games with you anymore.”

That seemed to have gotten to Jude. He flinched a little. _There_.  It filled Alvin with both dread and satisfaction.

“I see,” Jude said finally. Slowly. And when Alvin looked at him again, Jude had a different expression on his face, one of determination. Jude took slow, deep breaths, and then a little smile formed on those lips.

Alvin frowned, not understanding.

“I was thinking that you’d say that at one point. Something to that effect, anyway. I know it was temporary—but it was nice. Really nice,” Jude’s eyebrows drew together, but he didn’t look mad at all. “Unlike you, I’m not afraid to say that honestly. Because I really enjoyed it and- maybe I was thinking…. it could be something else.”  Jude’s voice dipped then, turned harder, and it pierced Alvin’s heart like ice. “But I guess I was mistaken.”

After a beat, Jude reached into the inside pocket of his coat and pulled out the tickets Alvin had given him the last time they met. He placed it on the table beside Alvin.

“Use this with someone you like, Alvin. And thanks-“

“It was a gift,” Alvin muttered.

Jude chuckled softly. “You know Rowen or Gaius probably has extra tickets to spare. Thanks anyway.”

Alvin heard Jude get off the stool.

“How can you say that honestly, that you thought there could be something more….” Alvin gritted his teeth.

“Because that’s what I thought. I really thought it, Alvin…”

“So you’re fine shacking up with your would-be murderer?”  Alvin threw that there, straight to the point. He was looking down, glaring at the table. He didn’t dare look at what expression Jude was wearing, didn’t want to see if he was surprised, angry, or whatever.

“I’m fine with shacking up with Alvin, the man who’s worked so hard to turn his life around—and did. One of my oldest friends. “

That had Alvin snapping his head up to look, finally, at Jude. But the younger man was gone. Even the drunk had left some time during their tense little conversation.

“Sir, it’s closing time,” the bartender said after clearing his throat.

“Right,” Alvin sighed and pushed himself off the table. He laughed a little at himself and began walking off. He was stopped by the bartender.

“Sir, you left your tickets.” The bartender held the tickets out for him.

Alvin waved his hands. “Nah, I don’t have any use for them. Don’t really care for trains, anyway.”

The bartender shook his head and sighed. He stepped out of the drinks bar and caught up to him, to place the tickets firmly in his hand.

“Sir, you’ll need this when you make up with your friend.”

“There’s no making up happening—“

The other man shook his head again. “That’s up to you. It looked to me that he gave you an option. If I were you, I’d be making use of that.”

Despite his reluctance, Alvin took the tickets anyway and stuffed it into his coat.

“I’m not you,” he grumbled.

“Of course.”  

 

* * *

 

“You’re late,” Elle had her arms crossed as she stood in the doorway of her room when Alvin stumbled into the apartment. “And you’ve been drinking…”

“Yeah, sorry.” Alvin muttered before flopping onto the sofa. He closed his eyes and hoped he didn’t get a bad hangover the next day. When he opened them again, Elle was holding out a glass of cold water. He smiled. “Thanks, Elle. You’re the only girl for me, I swear.”

Elle stuck a tongue out. “Eww.”

Alvin laughed, though he was quiet again after that.

“Uncle Yurgen called to ask where you were while you were out. I told him I didn’t know-“ Elle leaned on the backrest of the sofa. “He said to watch out for you or you were gonna do something stupid. So did you?”

“Probably.” Alvin muttered before reaching into his coat and holding out the crumpled tickets for Elle to see.

“Hey, I’ve got some tickets for that train thing in a few weeks-  maybe you could take Elize with you and the two of you—“

Elle immediately grabbed the tickets.

“I guess you like trains—“

“These are the tickets Lara got for you and Jude!” she cried.

“Oh-“ Alvin sat up. He hadn’t seen that one coming.  Then again, he supposed Elle would’ve known. She seemed to have become really close with Lara these days. He wondered if it was because Elle thought Lara could’ve been her mom. Did Elle even remember her real mother from their dimension?

“Something did happen!”

He rubbed at his forehead. “Yeah, something did. We broke up- _I_ ended things. So I don’t really have any use for those tickets.”

“But… why?”

_Because it was a temporary thing? Because I can’t keep doing it. Because I like Jude and I can’t handle it._

Alvin waved a hand dismissively. “It just… didn’t work out.”

“You looked like you were working out. Leia said that too. Even Elize— _and_ Teepo.” Alvin wasn’t so sure Teepo counted if he was just a mirror of Elize’s deepest thoughts and feelings, but he wasn’t about to correct Elle.

 “It just didn’t. Look- “ Alvin took a deep breath. “I’m just not cut out for … that kind of thing.  Relationships and me don’t mix.”

Elle pouted. “Why?”

“Because.”

“ _Why_?”

_“_ It’s just the way things are.”

“ _Why_?” Elle just repeated and Alvin immediately knew he wasn’t to get anywhere with Elle like this.

“Because I’m just not cut out for it, okay? I’m not a good person, Elle. And I’ve tried to get better—but I’m only better up to a certain point and it’s not relationship material.” Alvin placed his glass on the table and stood up from the sofa. “I’m headed to bed. You better not still be on this tomorrow morning.”

Coat slung on his back, he began the walk back to his room.

“Is it because you tried to kill Jude and Leia back then?” Elle called out just as Alvin was about to open his door.

That had him freezing on his steps. “What…?” He turned slowly.

“I know. I had Leia tell me.”

Alvin balled his fists. “Leia…”

“I forced it out of her so don’t you go blaming her!” Elle frowned.

“So are you telling me you don’t want to be here anymore…” Alvin said quietly.

“When did I say that? Really.” Elle stomped towards him until she was right in front of him. “What I’m saying is that I know and I really don’t care about the past. That’s what? Five years ago? You were a completely different person then.”

Alvin blinked at the simplicity of Elle’s words.

“The Uncle Alvin I know never tried to kill anyone all the time I knew him.  And sucks at cooking tomato soup…” she made a face as if she was recalling how badly his soup had tasted. “Besides, Leia told me all about what happened back then and if she says she doesn’t blame you anymore or holds it against you- I know it’s nothing I should be worrying about too.”

“Elle it’s not as simple—“

“Then make it simple!” Elle frowned up at him, determined.  “I want you to be happy too, Uncle Alvin. You think I don’t notice… but you’re kind of lonely yourself.”

Alvin was silent.

“So maybe other people won’t like you as much because of what you did before. So what? I’m okay with it. Your friends are okay with it. And- Jude was okay with it… or he wouldn’t be sucking face with you so often.”

_Sucking face_. Alvin made a little horrified look at the term.

“What, I’ve got eyes!”

Finally, for the first time that night, Alvin found himself laughing again. “Elle….”

“So? Are you making up with Jude?” She put her hands on her hips and waited.

Alvin looked down.

“I don’t know,” he answered finally.

 

* * *

 

Alvin thought about calling Yurgen, apologizing properly this time, but decided against it. Yurgen had done a lot for him, listening to him talk about his problems with Jude. If he called now, he’d probably just unload about his problems about Jude again. If he was gonna apologize, he knew he had to do just that, not make it Alvin’s Problems Hour again.  It was high time he tried to figure things out on his own anyway:  What he wanted to do, what he needed to do.

He leaned over the balcony and took a deep breath.

First of all, he liked Jude. Probably even _loved_ , but who was he to really know what love was? So he was gonna keep it at _liked_. Sexual arousal, he knew, wasn’t just the basis of _love_.

And then…. What?

“I’m worried that I’m… taking advantage of him,” he muttered out loud. What if he wasn’t really in love? What if he was using Jude?

_For what_?

To satisfy a secret desire to taint Jude?

He imagined Jude then, in the back of his mind, shaking his head and frowning prettily at him. _“I’m twenty-one, not fifteen, Alvin._ ”

“Right…” _Just what is my problem?_

He rested his forehead on the railing and sighed.

Maybe it was that he was afraid. Of love. Of failing. Of hurting people again. Of making mistakes that didn’t just hurt him – he was used to that – but hurt others too.

_Maybe._

“I’m not getting anywhere like this,” he said quietly to himself.

_Then maybe you should just talk to Jude._  He heard Milla’s voice at the back of his mind.

Or was it in his mind? He stood up straight and looked around him in confusion. There was no one else on the balcony besides him and he was pretty sure – he even double-checked – that Elle had gone to bed already.

“Milla, is that you?” Alvin asked out loud and when there was no answer, he laughed at himself for being stupid.

Of course not, Milla wouldn’t be here. Couldn’t be here.

She wouldn’t drop by just to give Alvin a nudge like that too anyway.

Would she?

Alvin didn’t think too hard on it and called it a night. He had, he thought, his answer at least.

 

* * *

 

“The train to Fennmont will be leaving in five minutes.”

Jude looked up from the Vesper brochure he had been reading for the last fifteen minutes and then out at the window. In the end, Gaius did have tickets to spare. Naturally, the King of Rieze Maxia would have tickets to spare and when Jude had asked for them, he’d readily given him a bunch – enough for the old crew to have one ticket each (with Driselle included). Jude had a cabin to his own though—Leia passed on his offer to share one, claiming she was perfectly content to share with Elize, Driselle and Elle. The girls only cabin, she called it, no boys allowed.

“That’s fine by me…” Jude thought out loud. If Ludger was around, there’d be one guy to ask to share his cabin with. Gaius and Rowen were in the VIP cabin together as King and Prime Minister and that left only Alvin to ask. Things with Alvin hadn’t exactly smoothed themselves out so that was a no go.

As the train began its churning, Jude closed his eyes and focused on its distinct sounds. Trains, he’d learned, all sounded different, and if you listened closely you could tell which model they were just by the sounds they made. That was really geeky of him, he knew, but he couldn’t help it. Trains were just wonderful.

Just then, he heard soft knocking at the door.

“Huh? I didn’t call for room service….” Jude thought out loud as he got up and unlocked the cabin door. “I’m sorry, I think you have—“ he started as he slid the door open.

“Hey,” Alvin stood at the entrance, smiling sheepishly. “I gave my tickets to Yurgen. But Gaius—“

“Sent you a ticket anyway,” Jude finished for him, crossing his arms across his chest. “You know, I have the mind to slam this door shut on your face. Just so you know.”

“I was thinking you’d be doing that just about now. Guess I was wrong.”

Jude took a deep breath. “Come in anyway, I don’t really think we should be making a commotion out in the hallway like this.”  

He let Alvin take the opposite seat in the cabin and then closed the door behind him.

“So…? Why are you here? I don’t think you finding my cabin was a coincidence. There’s about a hundred and fifty middle-class cabins on this train. I don’t think you knocked on every one either or you’d be kicked out by now.”

“And you know that…”

Jude waved the brochure. “I read it.”

“I’m here to—“ Alvin looked at Jude. “—ask you to take me back.”

“And why should I?” Jude asked, folding his arms again and looking at Alvin sternly.

“You shouldn’t. Is what I thought- but … I just had to ask anyway.” Alvin smiled a little. “I had – a little voice in the back of my head telling me I should talk to you.”

Jude nodded slowly. Alvin took a deep breath.

“Do you still think… about that time. Back then when I betrayed all of you- or when… I tried to kill you back when Milla died?”

Jude’s expression softened.  “You know… maybe I should, huh?”

Alvin looked just a bit surprised.

“I think if I did though, I’d have a lot more things to worry about. Like Muzét and Gaius. Myself too- I’m not exactly completely innocent like you think I am.  So no—I don’t think about it anymore. We were all in a bad place that time. I wasn’t exactly myself either….”

“But you didn’t go trying to kill anyone for your own selfish reasons…” Alvin sneered at himself.

“But in the end, you didn’t kill anyone, Alvin. And you’ve learned from that.  You have, right?”

Alvin sat back. “I guess.”

They were both silent after that with only the sound of the Vesper’s engines between them.

“So is that it?” Jude said after length. “Are you going leave now that you’ve gotten your answer and don’t think I should take you back?  Because I’m pretty sure you can get up and show yourself out of this cabin on your own….”  He couldn’t keep the slight bite out of his tone then.

Alvin looked down.

“I said you shouldn’t. But… maybe I was hoping you would.”

Jude looked away, out the window. But he was smiling.

“It’s not gonna be a temporary thing this time, though,” Jude muttered.

“That’s fine.”

“And even then, it might not just work out.”

“I’m ready for that too.”

“Milla might come back anytime and I _might_ just decide I like her more than you.”

That had Alvin growing quiet for a moment. “That’s fine too, “ he answered finally.

“And I might just be a _bit_ harder on you for that thing last month.” Jude finally turned back to him.

“Lay it on me, Jude. I’m ready for my punishment,” Alvin said with a grin.

Jude grinned back.

He wouldn’t be so alone on this trip after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
